It's usually far down into the depth of the darkest stretch on the quietest nights, where I feel I could drown out all the familiar voices and mundane sounds in life, there remained only my uncanny tinnitus and the absolute of narcissistic solitude, for no one seemingly important, loved or cared enough could dare challenge my thoughts of ending it all.
It's not despair, not agony, nor fear either, just an overwhelming sense of dissatisfaction consuming every ounce of me, and at the end there's only dissociation came of it, it's a desire of extreme escapism.
End it, take it all away.
Love, care, dream, family, friends and all.
Future, past, childhood traumas, beautiful memories, hopes and what ifs.
All meaningless. Nothing but heavy burdens. And I am all weak and hollow with glass bones and a fractured heart.
I own only this profound boredom and emptiness, the ultimate abandonment of any form of empathy.
I wish to be devoid of tomorrows as I throw a sleepless tantrum attempting to stop the morning from arriving.
This is godless and claustrophobic. The loneliness it encapsulates disgusts me, along with the disturbing irony of my wife and child fast asleep in close proximity. How I judge the innocent and ignorant. They know nothing and so as they should.
Through this apathy in full privacy, I found a point of annoyance, somewhat nauseating and it makes this existence even more unbearable. My stomach is churning out of hunger. What pathetic little joke. Although, this is purely of my own. Author and Audience. I don't hear any laughter though so it is a fucking failure.
Maybe when I pass out, this will all dissolve into another farce worthy of only the most effortless invalidation. And if I stay up all night, who the fuck cares anyways. You sob, you sob alone.
So just shut the fuck up and go to sleep.
For the morning will still come, like an unstoppable sequel of a cruel joke, or maybe it's quiet mercy for my god damn mind.
Zhen Bin Pan
2026
Re:turn