The Room

Would you rather live with no sequels in sight,
Or accept it's just endless remakes every night?
Now hold onto your dentures and let's go on an adventure,
While this is not just about fun, it's about waking up on a run.
Indeed it's not only cool shit in some crazy little trip,
But the crash back into reality when all illusions slip.
It is painfully clear in a realm built solely to feel,
Where its beauty is concealed behind what is revealed.
As I came down from the visions that danced in my head,
And curtained by my eyelids where false worlds were fed,
There lingered a weight I could not dismiss,
A trapped kind of clarity dressed up as bliss.
Reaching the zenith of my senses didn't put me at ease,
Nor let me traverse the Universe with an effortless breeze.
You would think apex awareness would actually be free.
Yeah no... bitch please.

The reality sets in differently, and in a sense it takes you out of it instead.

To explain this contradiction ahead, it's that as I come to my senses, the way I perceive reality is in lenses, so I would experience an alternative reality, or maybe even a hyper reality - since it still feels just as real, if not more.

I guess when it's not a welcoming sight, it's gonna be a lot of fight or flight, and in my case I faced the overwhelming sense of fear that I would never get back to the old life that I once took for granted.

Such mind boggling is kind of crippling also because my newly gained otherworldly perception blows up every single minute detail and sensation in everything that I do or don't.

It's really quite sad and disappointing to be honest, reaching the plateau of consciousness just to be bombarded with this utmost sense of impending but never coming doom.

What's this in earnest?

It's the equivalent of being elevated from a human to a deity in another dimension where your only purpose is to observe and repeat the same thing over and over and over again, with the exception that every single tiny event can be blown up and turned into a different experience with a different perspective or identity.

Simply put, I felt like a god leading an endless boring life trapped within a sheltered and claustrophobic space.

My only get-away was to watch some Virtual Reality human life playback - lowly in comparison, but a much higher fidelity in its commonplace.

Fuck that shit right?

Imagine being all-knowing and your main highlight is watching someone else's Monday on repeat.

At that point though time stays still, suffering ensured and prolonged, whenever I couldn't muster up the courage to practise self compassion and go with the flow of the/this universe, for better or worse, all the while knowing it's just gonna be the same shit all over again with no reverse.

It was morbid curiosity that brought me into this looping hell of all-knowing-now, and somehow the regret was so tremendous that it almost felt like the embodiment of an eternal trap.

I knew I had seen it coming and still decided to jump into it ASAP.

It's a trap, it's a trap, it's a trap! The cake is a lie! There's no sequel! ...That's all it squealed, with such upheaval.

It's an infinite cycle of witnessing different interpretation, varied iteration, deviating rendition of the same storyline.

One remake after another and each leads to the same ending endlessly. Even the audience stays unchanged, which is me, forever Xen, and this is his story, never ending history.

What's this dimension that houses the repeating VR story you ask? Well, it's this same room - dark, eerie. Somehow futuristic because of the glowing lights from the appliances, somehow multicultural but mostly colonial visually with the furniture of choice.

With a washroom which ties to a lot of waste disposal, or the struggle of me doing the act, all of which tends to induce quite a bit of disgust, especially now with my vision so clean and eyes so keen on spotting grainy specks of dust and slimy bits of gunk.

So that is where the majority of the downtime - or should I say eternity - is spent. It's far from the glamorous visuals in the mind-shows, and nearly resembles the human VR experience with the mundane, tedious, and soul draining aspects, except everything is multiplied, magnified, and immortalised.

And that's just the room. The symbolic bedroom of never ending and never coming impending doom. And I was fine with it. Or I told myself I was.

How did I even manage to escape what seemed like my forever fate? I fortunately did not forget about hope, or hopefully I was not dumb enough to forget - well it was a process.

It's just like at the train station, when the train arrives, you either take it or not. Although in this case it probably took a thousand trains to stop by before I hop on. And all on board, this is when I would mostly start having fun writing rhyming puns.

Through a train of events, and enough training for retaining hope, I finally said nope. For I know on what my soul depends.

I took off with my pants on, I went beyond the room of impending doom.

Of course then there's the flight of stairs, which I could only stare in fright for a long long time. What did I expect I would find. It's the same house except now it's all shame and fouls. I came to at the end, it's myself I don't want to offend.

I knew there's no time to say no to inferno. It's a leap of faith over a heap of fear, each step down is a step up. I was about to seek help through hell and descend from heaven to freedom.

Suddenly I was downstairs, it's a new territory in my alternative reality. I was topless and I was still rather clueless to be fair.

It's all sorts of vulnerability in such a setting which was supposedly full of familiarity. For whatever reason that skipped my mind, I ritually left my phone, keys and wallet behind.

I thought why should I stop at the main floor if I could just go right out the front door? So I went and was met with a burst of chilling breeze that instantly put my mind on unfreeze.

I was out of the house - no doubt. My chest was bare against the cold air, and it's a world of bold noises against my choices. It's time to run before the chance is undone, I thought. So I breathed in till my heart was brewing with a brief relief.

But right then the fear appeared and it was sudden, and I heard the howling that birthed my doubting. The wind was winning as I laid my eyes on the swaying trees under the preying sky. Their scouring bark was devouring the dark. The sound of leaves rustling has found its heap bustling onto my hustling.

I gotta escape this horrible landscape, I muttered silently as I must away violently. Shame, my feet stopped in defeat when I was right on the fence. Blamed my deed botched on repeat, then I was left in defence.

It was my home after all, safety is everything it stood for. Has it all taken a fall?

What's out there without fear over what's in here within faith? Maybe the unknown was better left unshown, I thought to myself as the siren went by. Maybe the freedom was better kept at home, I talked to myself as the tyrant went bye.

What's keeping me at bay ended up what's pushing me to stay.

But what about "and here comes the big finale in the pig valleys"? Well, remember what I told you. And you probably already knew.

To be continued?