I Was 19 Years Old
19 Years Ago
I walked out on my family in the middle of a cold winter night,
Because I took out my sanity in the fiddle of a big drama fight.
With an immense pain in my heart I wondered where to start,
Then I suddenly figured, I'd like to drown in the Fraser River.
But stupid me couldn't make sense of the pretence
And got stopped by a humiliating barbed wire fence.
So I quickly changed my god damn mind
And decided to walk all 25km for a grind,
To Burnaby Mountain, with every step counting,
To buffer the suffering and muffle the hustling.
Dying to numb pain with even greater pain,
Such a brilliant thing from my diligent brain,
Seemingly gleaming and felt so sublime at that time,
A foolish farce and a fine decline of the mind of mine.
All thanks to my undiagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder,
Every big emotion hit like a tsunami crashing over my shoulders.
The rumination followed after
Was a never-ending, self-induced inferno.
The realization of being young and dumb
Didn't help either, that I know.
Still, I can recall vividly
On that fateful journey,
Accompanied by some foot injuries I had successfully caused,
I marched non-stop on slippery roads that were half-thawed,
I took clear notes of the 5 street lights dying in front of my eyes
Just as I walked and walked, quickly through the lonely city blocks.
And the hundreds of silhouetted cowered crows
Hanging still on the insulated power cables,
Against a cloudy sky torn apart from behind
By the brooding and blooming moonlight.
When I finally crawled up that long winding path
To the highest bench on Burnaby Mountain at last,
I sat my sorry ass on them damp planks and said thanks,
I felt something warming a welcoming sense of belonging.
As the late wind wandered over and whispered to me tiredly,
It made me wonder quietly, if it was not all a blunder entirely:
Maybe I was actually in the right place at the right time,
Although I was not really in the right mind and that's fine?
I sobbed, smiled, and screamed somewhat silently,
Then repeated the cycle a few more times solemnly,
Until I started to feel the blurry gaze of the city lights,
Through the side of my teary eyes I caught its sight.
I wiped my face off like I didn't cry at all,
And stared afar at the artificial sea of stars.
For me, at that moment, without a doubt,
They could rival the galaxy curtained above.
Curiously, their rhythmic winking served as a combined reminder
Of the 5 street lights whose demise was well timed and triggered.
And as self-centered as I was at odds,
I still could not help but marvel in awe.
Eventually, I looked into the deep dark ocean,
Which seemed so still yet in constant motion,
I then fathomed how the world is much bigger beyond its horizon
And so my problems were suddenly much smaller in comparison.
On a pain train to abandon myself at unknown stations ahead,
I ended up finding the tiny little broken pieces of mine instead.
Although I was surrounded by snow and had nowhere to go,
When morning slowly arrived, I started to feel strangely alive,
And my cold wet shoes somehow soothed my big toe bruise,
While the sunrise painted the world in generous golden hues.
Suddenly, a man on his morning drive, happened to coincide,
I panicked and pretended I was there simply for a roam on my own.
But then, I decided not to hide it, despite my pride inside denied.
I encroached, like a roach,
And yet he still offered to take me home.
The man told me he is Russian,
And he didn't seem to be rushing.
He bought me some breakfast at McDonald's,
It was too good to refuse even for my dumb nose.
On the way I asked him if I was too old to be a runaway brat,
He laughed and let me rest my dirty feet on his new car mat.
That was the first time I cried
Clinging onto a stranger at farewell,
This is the first time I write about him
In a story I would rarely tell.
At the end, I thought how blessed I truly was to be home again.
Years later, I proposed to my wife Terezia on that same bench.
That day I swore in my core on everything and more.
That way I will keep the star light alive at the source.
No sorrow, from tomorrow or our past,
Could take hope away and tear us apart,
Because I have found a place in my heart
Where I can let all my feelings sit in at last.
Of course, one can't be forever at ease,
Just because they have once found peace.
There have been ups and downs and no lack of discovery since,
Take my diagnosis of Complex PTSD and BPD just for some hints.
That's years of therapies, a tremendous amount of mindful recipes.
Nowadays, even crazed, I vow not to set myself ablaze.
While I don't think I could nap through the apocalypse,
And I do say I would still snap through a possible slip,
At least when big emotions swirl up in my inner ocean,
My heart's horizon is now big enough for such commotion.
I've tried hard to widen its borders for my personal disorders.
But some days I just can't - I will turn down a swim in deepwater,
And some nights I must rant - I still turn into a grim weepwalker.
The difference is, though, when it was 19 years ago,
I walked as a pilgrim of pain, on a trek through woe.
Now 19 years later, this bird has veered off a lot farther,
Whether I slithered to weather the wither of my feathers,
Or I stole a short stroll to borrow hope from tomorrow,
I've learned to cradle my grief and swallow my shadow.
If I can't soar, I will walk it off once more,
And sing a song along by the sea shore:
Up or Down
On this nightly winter stroll
Of quiet weeps and solitude,
Hot tears rip down my cold face
Like a riot with an attitude.
Tiptoe around black ice and snow,
I start to get so silly sick of this shit show.
It's bound to keep my head low,
And my nose lets out a vapour trail of sorrow.
Under the moonlight I catch sight
Of the glistening frost on this lonely path below,
Mirroring the glamour of the galaxy up above
Along with its eons of star light bestowed.
When I'm in need, I feel this talk of strife
To weather the storm with pouts and frowns.
Then I see indeed beauty in this walk of life -
Whether you conform to the ups or downs.
Zhen Bin Pan
2026
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